One year, we drove ten hours to take the kids to their grandparents', then spent a few more hours flying to actually get to our destination. A week later, we did it all over again to get back home.
We did it anyway. Every year.
The Slow Shift
Here's what nobody warns you about: your marriage doesn't fall apart in one dramatic moment. It drifts, one good thing at a time. Kids' activities. Career demands. Volunteering at church, or wherever you feel called to give. None of those things are bad. Most of them are things you should be doing. But stack enough good things on top of each other without protecting time for your marriage, and eventually you look across the room and wonder who you're married to, and how you got here.
Through every move, every job change, every new season of our life, the one thing we kept fighting to protect was time. Not because we had extra of it. We never did. But because we learned early that if we didn't make it a priority, nothing else would make it a priority for us.
Side note: we don't have it all figured out. This series is here to share what worked for us and what didn't, and if we can come alongside you in support and encouragement along the way, that's our hope.
Three Rhythms That Kept Us Connected
- A few minutes at the end of the day. Shutting off the TV, putting the phones down, sometimes going to bed a little earlier just to make room to actually talk. Ask questions. Invest in each other’s day. Before we turn out the light, I often ask Ryan, “What can I do for you tomorrow?” Some nights he has an answer, some nights he doesn’t, but it’s a small posture of serving. It says, I want to help carry whatever you’re carrying, if I can.
- Regular time together, just the two of us. Dinner with uninterrupted conversation. A movie. A walk in the park or a drive for ice cream, because this doesn’t have to cost money to count. It wasn’t always easy. It took planning, a sitter, saying no to other things that would have been fun but weren’t as important as reconnecting. If not weekly, then every other week. The frequency matters less than the habit of making each other the priority.
- Real time away. Not a grocery run. Actual time away together, whether it’s a weekend or a week, a small budget or a big one. Time away from the to-do list, the kids, the pets, the day-to-day noise. We made it a priority to get away, just the two of us, once a year, even when it meant two ten-hour drives and two connecting flights to make it happen. That time to reconnect, dream, reset, and actually sleep was priceless. Worth every mile.
Why Rhythms Matter
Once you set these rhythms, they get easier to keep. The hardest part is always starting. But it's worth it, because a marriage that only runs on leftover time and leftover energy eventually runs on empty.
That's the idea behind a tool I share often with my coaching clients: the canteen tool. You can't pour out from an empty well. When you make space to fill yourself up emotionally, physically, and spiritually, you actually have something left to give, to your spouse, your kids, and everyone else pulling at your time. Rhythm isn't just about protecting your marriage. It's about making sure you both have something real left to bring to it.
You can access the canteen tool here: Click Here
This Week's Invitation
Here's the challenge: think through daily, weekly, monthly, and yearly rhythms, what fills you up on each of those levels, and what fills your marriage up. Then do two things. First, choose one rhythm to commit to on your own, something that keeps your canteen full so you actually have something to give. Second, choose one rhythm to commit to together, and hold each other accountable to it, not to what feels easiest, but to what you both actually need.
No one will care more about your marriage than God and you. Not your friends, your family, your coworkers, your neighbors. Your job is to protect what's precious.
And if you have kids watching, this matters even more than you know. Every time you choose to protect time for your marriage, you're showing them what it looks like to fight for a relationship worth having. What they see modeled now is what they'll carry into their own relationships someday. Cultivating connection and togetherness isn't just a gift to your marriage. It's a gift to them too.
Next week, we close out the series with Rooted in Hope, why hope isn't naive optimism, but a choice you make even when the picture isn't finished yet.
With you in it,
Tonya
Did you miss the introduction to my four-part series on nurturing your marriage with faith and intention? Catch up here.